If you are a fan of Jason Castro, you may want to save yourself a lot of pain and heartache by not reading this blog entry. Instead, why don't you use the time to learn what REAL music sounds like. (No offense . . . except to fans of Jason Castro.)

For the past as-long-as-I've-been-watching-American-Idol, I've been desperately hoping each week that Jason Castro would be the next contestant voted off. And every week, TV viewers disappoint me by accidentally picking up their phones and calling the number to vote for him. It sounds impossible to accidentally dial a 10-digit phone number, but there is a simple explanation: finger spasms. There seems to be an epidemic of these finger spasms going on in America, especially on Tuesdays right after 9/8 central (when American Idol ends and the phone lines open). You may be skeptical of the possibility that someone could make it all the way to the final four contestants on American Idol just from accidental votes caused by finger spasms, but there is no other logical explanation for where his votes are coming from. He can't actually have that many fans, and it's highly improbable that him and his relatives could make that many phone calls in such a short time.

There is hope for me (and anyone else with ears) this week, though. Yesterday Jason Castro made a horrible mistake on American Idol. No, I'm not referring to forgetting the lyrics, I'm talking about the really big mistake. The one where he sang "I Shot the Sheriff". Hopefully fans were still laughing at his amazing stupidity when the show ended and were incapable of having finger spasms.

If he does get voted off (a.k.a. "if there is a God") then maybe he can continue his TV career by appearing on "Don't Forget the Lyrics!". Or maybe he could be on "COPS," which would probably be even funnier.

Please take a moment to answer my poll . . . and yes, there is a right answer.

Who do you want to win American Idol?
David Archuleta
David Cook
Syesha Mercado
I'm a Moron With No Taste in Music (Jason Castro)
No Preference
Robin Williams (probably a better singer than Jason Castro)
See Results

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If you are a fan of Jason Castro, then why are you still reading this? You must be a moron.

I'm back! Not that I actually went anywhere, I've just been too busy to write in my blog recently. I suppose you could make the argument that I might be lying to you about that, but you have no way of checking (unless you are stalking me), so it really doesn't matter.

Quite a bit has happened since I last wrote in my blog. I snuck into a local rec center on the night they were open for free to all residents of my hometown (which kind of destroys the point of sneaking in), I rode a brand new just-barely-opened Commuter Rail (Latin for "People Train") which was also free that day, and I went to a free party being thrown by a local radio station, where I won a free prize ($5 cash) and got a free CD. In short, a lot has been free this week. Unfortunately, car insurance is not free, as I was told by Eli Manning in an educational video that we watched in Driver's Ed. It probably wasn't actually Eli Manning, considering the video was made before he was born, but it looked a lot like him, which would probably hold up in a court of law as long as a reputable expert said it in a confident voice.

Today in Driver's Ed, we watched a video about the importance of frequent oil changes, provided to the school by Castrol Motor Oils and Lubricants. You know what I never realized before today? Castrol is by far the best brand of motor oil you can buy. Especially their Syntec oil. I mean, Castrol GTX is great, but Castrol Syntec is definitely the best oil on the market for a high-performance car. They were very clear about that in the completely unbiased video, which certainly did NOT contain any product placement.

I was also rather busy this week with a take-home math test. The idea behind a take-home math test is that regular math homework isn't horrible enough, so now they give us math tests to do at home. And as if it couldn't get worse, they don't even put the answers in the back of the book like they would with regular homework, so not only do we have to write down the answers to math problems, we have to know how to calculate them! I'm thinking of suing the school district, with the charge being "Unlawful Cot^-1⅝π".

Another thing I've been busy with is updating my website. I mentioned a while ago that there would soon be a jokes section on my website. I forgot to mention that "soon" was defined by me. Well, you can stop waiting for soon (as defined by me) to arrive because there are actually some jokes on my website now. There is a catch though: five of the six categories don't exist yet. The one category that does exist is Chuck Norris Jokes, which I think is enough for now. ("Now" is defined by me.)

Here's a sample of the Chuck Norris jokes on my website:

• What do you need a sample for, you lazy moron? Just click here to see the whole list!

I can't belive I actually made a list for that. Here's something that really does deserve a list: A fresh batch of obscure holidays for the month of May.

• 1 - Save the Rhino Day - You'll be happy to know that, even though I didn't report this one on time, the Rhino did survive.
• 3 - Lumpy Rug Day - I tried to take a nap on that day. It was rather uncomfortable.
• 4 - Candied Orange Peel Day - I don't think I even need to write anything about this one. For some reason I did anyway.
• 6 - National Tourist Appreciation Day - This is a day to appreciate the economic benefits of all the tourists pre-paying for the hotel rooms they'll be staying in tomorrow on National Tourism Day.
• 7 - National Tourism Day - I kind of let the cat out of the bag in the line above this one.
• 8 - No Socks Day - They all got lost in the wash anyway.
• 9 - Lost Sock Memorial Day - Seems fitting after No Socks Day. The question is, can you remember all 3,627 socks you've lost over the years?
• 10 - Clean Up Your Room Day - No.
• 11 - Eat What You Want Day - After all, No Diet Day was a whole five days ago.
• 16 - Wear Purple for Peace Day - They were considering "Inflict Pain for Peace Day," but purple clothing manufacturors convinced them to go with a less violent option.
• 18 - No Dirty Dishes Day - Apparently we can't go more than a week without an excuse to eat out.
• 20 - Be a Millionaire Day - I'm going to laugh really hard if the stock market crashes that day.
• 20 - Pick Strawberries Day - While you're out there picking strawberries, you can laugh at all the ex-millionaires who are crying while they watch live coverage of the stock market falling.
• 23 - Lucky Penny Day - Four days ago, all those ex-millionaires would have been more interested in the luck than the penny.
• 27 - Sun Screen Day - Executives at Sun Screen Companies usually love this day, but they're still a little broken up about last week's stock market crash.
• 31 - Save Your Hearing Day - I SAID IT'S SAVE YOUR HEARING DAY! NO, HEARING, NOT EARING! WHAT?!? TALK LOUDER!

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If you can't hear me, then I guess you'll never know that you're a moron.

Eavesdropping has existed for quite a while, but it was recently brought to a new low by someone in Germany, who will remain anonymous (because I don't know their name). This anonymous German actually had the nerve to spy on the CEO of Porsche™. Fortunately no Porsches were damaged, but the company will still be filing criminal charges against the spy, which would be a lot easier if anyone knew who it was.

The Anonymous German pulled off this horrendously disturbing crime by sneaking a baby-monitoring microphone into the CEO's office and hiding it behind a sofa, which raises two questions:

1. Why would anyone use a baby-monitoring system to spy on a rich person instead of just stealing some of their money and using it to buy a more expensive two-way radio, and

2. What was the CEO of Porsche™ doing behind his sofa when he found the microphone?

What must have happened is, an employee of a liquor store that's right next to a baby supply store bought a baby-monitoring system and some German Beer (they have a lot in Germany) and used the beer to bribe their way into the CEO's office, where they planted the microphone piece of the baby-monitoring set behind the sofa. Then the CEO of Porsche™ got drunk, passed out, and woke up the next morning on the floor with his head up against the wall next to the sofa, in plain view of the microphone. Then he called the cops, who finished off the German Beer before coming to the logical conclusion that he had been the victim of an international conspiracy, which they are probably still trying to overthrow right now.

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If you let a hungover German business executive catch you spying on him, then you are a moron.

During lunch today, I was on the internet playing a tower defense game called Random Defense. For those of you not familiar with tower defense games, here's a basic rundown: you have a tower, and you defend it. (I told you it was a basic rundown.)

In this particular tower defense game, there are 51 different sets of invaders that you have to defend your tower from. Most of them are incomprehensible shapes (I swear the first set is a bunch of small plates with blobs of chocolate on them), but a few of them actually look like something. I think they're supposed to be scary, but I couldn't tell due to the fact that I was hiding from them most of the time.

A few levels into the game, after I beat one set of lame somethings, all of a sudden a huge line of tiny people in suits came streaming onto the screen at a speed of approximately way too fast. It took me a while, but eventually I figured out who they were; they were all TELEMARKETERS! My missile turrets started picking them off pretty fast, but they just kept coming. I had two missile turrets and a Big Gun Tower, but the telemarketers were still advancing down the path toward my tower. I had to take action fast; there was only one thing I could do; I asked to be put on the do-not-call list!

I really just upgraded my missile turrets, but it was about as effective as being put on the do-not-call list; It solved the problem as slow as it could, laughing at me the whole time. The telemarketers were being destroyed in groups now, faster than ever, and yet they just kept coming. There must have been a billion of them, which is almost as many as there are real telemarketers. My upgraded missile turrets and Big Gun Tower eventually managed to get rid of them all, but not before I had bought a new vacuum cleaner and changed my internet service provider. The internet service is a bit more expensive than what I had been using, but I'm going to be saving money in the long r— hang on, the phone is ringing.

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If you are happy with your current internet provider, then I'm sure a telemarketer would be happy to explain to you why that makes you a moron.

News alert! Multiple sources are now reporting that Canadian scientists have recently developed a long-awaited cure for dehydration. This new substance, which scientists refer to as H₂0, has the remarkable capability to relieve people of hydrational deficiencies they may have contracted, however, that isn't all it can do; representatives from the Canadian Science Administration say it can also be used as a preventative medication.

"Most medications will either cure or prevent a medical complication," said CSA research director Patrick Wells, "but rarely will you find a single substance which can do both."

CSA scientist Karen Swartzbaugh recomends that healthy adults drink approximately eight glasses of H₂0 per day, which, she says, can reduce your risk of dehydrating by nearly 97%. H₂0 is expected to hit store shelves as soon as someone realizes they can get rich by selling something that comes through a tap in your kitchen.

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If you thought this was an actual news alert, then you need to discover CNN before you become even more of a moron.