For many years, incredibly rich people have had to settle for the hamburgers they serve at high-end restaurants. Not any more! Burger King has finally given in to all the pressure from rich people who hate to be fancy and released an extremely overpriced fast-food hamburger. Now, I know what you're thinking; "How much pressure can there be from rich people who hate to be fancy?" Well, it may surprise you to learn that such people make up approximately 0.00013% of the population, if we round up to the nearest 0.00013%.

Shortly after Burger King decided they would in fact go forward with plans to make a horribly overpriced hamburger, the company executives held a meeting to work out the details. The first issue brought up was what to call the burger, which nobody really cared about because they were eager to start discussing the price. So after sifting through suggetions such as "The Big Ben Bite-Sized Burger," "The Burger You'll Regret Almost Immediately," and "The Lottery Isn't Going Anywhere," all of which were suggested by the same person, they finally decided to go with the most generic name possible, "The Big Mac". Unfortunately, that name was taken, so they changed a few letters and called it simply "The Burger".

This left only the issue of how much The Burger should cost. After several hours of negotiating, the executives held a vote where they decided 8-1 that it should cost $10,000. However, the one vote against this was the vote of the CEO, who pointed out that he had the authority to fire everyone in the room and then ordered another vote, which unanimously decided the price should be 95 British Somethings, or a little under $200.

Eventually, they actually got around to selling The Burger, with all proceeds going to charity. Despite objections from groups dedicated to stamping out charity, there had been 8 of The Burger sold by lunchtime on it's opening day. Which reminds me, I still have seven hamburgers in my fridge. See ya.

[X]

Social Bookmarks

Search Engine Optimization
If you would buy a $200 hamburger and put it in your fridge for later, then you are a moron.

You may have heard about the undiscovered tribe that was recently discovered in Brazil. I heard about them too, as you probably guessed by the fact that I'm writing about them, but I, unlike you, recognized the full significance of this story. You were probably just thinking, "well I guess they're not undiscovered anymore," while I had the foresight to think, "what if that happens to us?" Allow me to explain:

This tribe has been peacefully existing for thousands of years, never having any idea that more advanced civilizations existed. Imagine if one of them wandered off into São Paulo and saw an amazing magical device that changed the color of bread (a toaster). Not only would they not understand the toaster, they might not even understand sliced bread. It would completely blow their minds.

So keeping this in mind (unless yours has been blown by a toaster), how ridiculous is it to think that maybe there are aliens out there who have way more advanced technology than us primitive earthlings. And maybe someday they'll figure out we exist and come do a flyover in their UFO's to take pictures of us. Most likely, several governments will start firing Ballistic Missiles at them and all the aliens will do about it is say, "Hey look! Those stupid earthlings think their ancient war technology can hurt us!" To which another alien will reply, "War technology?! More like hunting technology!"

Of course, that conversation would have taken place in some alien language that we wouldn't understand, but unfortunately, my computer isn't familiar with the characters necessary to write in that language, so I translated it to English. Which gives us something else to think about; will the aliens force us to learn their language and adapt their culture when they find us? Or will we be put on display in a zoo on another planet, where aliens can view earthlings in their natural habitat? (An armchair in front of a flat-screen TV.) Chances are, the aliens will at least make a documentary about us, which they will then teleport back to their home planets to be broadcast in 3D. In fact, I've already signed a contract to be featured in that documentary. But don't tell anyone; you're not supposed to know.

[X]

Social Bookmarks

Search Engine Optimization
If you don't understand the concept of sliced bread, then you desperately need a sandwich to help you become less of a moron.

In keeping with this blog's theme, today's entry will contain nothing but absolutely useless information that might not even be true. The only difference is, today's bits of useless information will not have anything to do with each other. Enjoy *snickers*

Useless Facts: (Accuracy not gauranteed.)

• 30% of Chinese adults live with their parents.
• American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad in first class.
• People spend about two weeks of their lives at traffic lights. — Whoever decided it was only two weeks has apparently never been anywhere near my house.
• Left handed people live slightly shorter lives than right handed people.
• Duelling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.
• Armadillos are able to contract leprosy. — Whoever figured that out is a real loser.
• The ant, when intoxicated, will always fall over to its right side.
• Fewer than half of the 16,200 major league baseball players have ever hit a home run.
• A snail can sleep for three years. — Whoever figured that out is a BIG loser.
• Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants.
• In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of the world's nuclear weapons combined.
• Turtles can breathe through their butts. — Whoever figured that out is beyond loser and to the point of being a moron.
• Pearls melt in vinegar. — Whoever figured that out just wasted some really expensive pearls.
• Walt Disney was afraid of mice.
• Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.
• Most lipstick contains fish scales.
• Close to 80% of people who watch the Super Bowl on television only do so to view the commercials. — Close to 100% of those people are Arizona Cardinals fans. (No offense to my Arizona fanbase, if I have one.)
• In the 1800's, people believed that gin could cure stomach problems. — In the 2000's, we now know that it actually works with any hard liquor.
• Thomas Edison designed a helicopter that would work with gunpowder. It ended up blowing up and also blew up his factory.
• 25% of all fires of unknown origin are caused by rats. — Whoever figured that out was probably lying.
• Members of the armed forces and the police cannot vote in the Dominican Republic.
• 0.7% of Americans are currently in prison.
• Saudi diplomats have 367 outstanding parking fines in Britain.
• Most Zambians don't live to see their 40th birthday. — Most readers of my blog can't count to 40 anyway.

[X]

Social Bookmarks

Search Engine Optimization
If you can count higher than 39, then you are a moron.

As you know, this blog is one of the internet's most reliable sources for up-to-the-minute news coverage. I only cover a news story every now-and-then, and sometimes it takes a few days to bring you up-to-the-minute coverage, but all-in-all I think my blog is probably the best source of news anywhere in the world. In case you can't tell, I've been looking for excuses to put hyphens-in-my-blog.

Today's up-to-the-minute news story comes from two days ago, when Alain Robert, a.k.a. "the French Spider-Man" or "the French guy with a first name as his last name", climbed the wall of the New York Times building to bring attention to global warming. Half-way up, he unvieled a banner that read "I'm coming to get you! Signed, Global Warming". Then when he realized he was on TV, he unveiled another banner that read "Hi mom!". That is, if he was on TV; I don't do a lot of research for my news stories.

Representatives from the New York Newsday building commented on this feat, saying "Oh yeah, well we're going to have a Turkish Batman climb our North Wall next week! And he's going to play the Sitar the whole way up!" Don't ask me where they're going to find a Turkish Batman; I'm still checking to make sure there really is a New York Newsday building.

[X]

Social Bookmarks

Search Engine Optimization
If you think I used too many hyphens in this entry, then you-are-a-moron.

I haven't been writing in my blog very frequently over the past few weeks, but I have been making good use of my time. I've been updating my website. Okay, so that's not all I've been doing, but the bottom line is you should visit my website. Come to think of it, you might already be on my website if you are reading this from my website's blog page. If you are, then thank you, and feel free to imagine I gave you some kind of prize. If not, then you are a moron until further notice (or until you click here).

As to exactly what I've been updating on my website, you'll never know— unless I tell you, which I will. I recently added a bar jokes page. Because of this, I will be bringing back a feature on my blog that technically never went away. I am proud *suppresses laugh* to announce the return of the Joke of the Day. This time, to celebrate my new bar jokes page, it will be known as the Bar Joke of the Day.
 

---

One night in a local pub, a man stumbled up to the only other person in a bar and asked if he could buy him a drink.

"Why of course," came the reply.

The first man then asked, "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replied the second man.

The first man responded, "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."

"Of course," replied the second man.

Curious, the first man then asked, "Where in Ireland are you from?"

"Dublin," came the reply.

"I can't believe it," said the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."

"Of course," replied the second man.

Curiosity again struck and the first man asked, "what school did you go to?"

"Saint Mary's," replied the second man. "I graduated in '63."

"This is unbelievable!" said the first man. "I went to Saint Mary's and graduated in '63, too!"

About that time, one of the regulars came into the bar and sat down.

"What's been going on?" he asked the bartender.

"Nothing much," replied the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."
 

---

[X]

Social Bookmarks

Search Engine Optimization
If you are one of the O'Malley twins, then you are either drunk or a moron.