Once again, it's time for me to report an up-to-the-minute news story that broke several days ago. This one comes from last Wednesday when two people out for a hike in the woods of northern Georgia came across something that, until now, has been the stuff of legend. A dead Bigfoot costume! How is this the stuff of legend, you ask? Because all previous sightings were of Bigfoot costumes that were alive and well, some of them even pretending to actually be Bigfoot. This one, on the other hand, was found dead in the woods, most likely killed by Russian soldiers who mistakenly thought it was a member of the Georgian Army. (Those two are at war right now, right?)

Anyway, this dead Bigfoot costume is now in it's casket of choice (Bigfoots like to be buried in freezers) with some false teeth stuck in its mouth for the open-casket viewing (by photograph only). It's funeral will be held as soon as people realize this was just another hoax intended to spark new interest in Bigfoot just in time for the release of a DVD entitled "Bigfoot Lives". Farewell Bigfoot costume! We hardly knew ye (until the press conference).

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If you actually buy the DVD, then you are an extremely gullible moron.

Sorry about the long absence, but I've been sick and I've been sleeping a lot. Not that I've been sleeping a lot because I've been sick; that was just because it's summer vacation. But either way I'm back now and I'm more desperate than ever to promote my blog. Looking for new ways to do this, I decided to do a Google search.

The key to a Google search is knowing what words to use. An unSmart™ person looking for new ways to promote their blog would probably use keywords like "new ways to promote your blog". But not me. I decided to go a more sophisticated route and search "marketing tips". What makes this more sophisticated, you ask? Marketing is something you can get a degree in at several major universities, so by definition (my definition, at least) it is sophisticated.

The Google search returned over 16 million results, so I had to narrow it down using my patented efficiency-based elimination method. In other words, I picked one at random. The page that came up had a rather long article on it. I didn't feel like reading the whole thing (or even the intro) so instead I quickly scanned the article for a list of marketing tips. I did find a list near the bottom of the page, but some moron forgot to give it a header, so I have no idea what the list is about. I certainly wasn't going to read the previous sentence to find out. So I assumed it was a list of marketing tips. Here's how it said I should promote my blog:

Marketing Tips ← notice the header

• How to tap into niche markets.
• On second thought, maybe these aren't marketing tips.
• How to use teleseminars to promote your products.
• Apparently this is a list of which marketing tips would be good to know instead of what those tips are.
• How to build a list of raving fans.
• I don't actually know any Ravens fans, but it would be cool if they read my blog.
• How to use an affiliate program to increase sales and create an army of salespeople
• Yes! I will build my own army of salespeople! And I will take over the world one annoyed customer at a time! Hahahahaha!
• who promote you.
• Something tells me that wasn't supposed to be its own list item. It's good to see illogical phrases being so indepenent-minded though.
• How to build an opt-in e-mail list of sales prospects.
• You can opt in to the mailing list, but you can never opt back out.
• How to find out what the hot information products are that people are looking for.
• Ask them. (Some aspects of marketing are less complicated than others.)
• How to bring in more leads and locate new prospects.
• More spies. New GPS units.
• How to customize your mailings to fit your prospects’ most compelling need.
• Why not just use one-size-fits-all? Are you telling me we don't have the technology to make e-mails out of spandex?!

Okay, so that list turned out to be a pretty stupid one. Especially with the comments I added after each tip (if you still want to call them tips). Let's try again:

List I Found On Another Web Site

• You do not add, remove or edit any part of the internet marketing article, including the title.
• See! You do not remove the title!
• You do not add, remove or edit any of the links.
• Who puts links in a list?!
• You MUST include my signature, with photograph, and all links immediately after each marketing article.
• Oops! I'm looking at the wrong list. This isn't the list of marketing tips, it's a list of rules for reproducing the list of marketing tips. My mistake.

Two lists and still no marketing tips. I may never hit 2,000 visitors. I think I've finally found the right list though. Here's the list that the previous list was a list of rules for:

Actual Marketing Tips — At Last

• Offer your visitors great content.

Well, so much for that list. There's no way I'm ever going to offer great content on my blog. Unless the federal government recognizes "great content" as a tax deductible. Then maybe. In the meantime, answer the latest poll from my website:

Do you plan to answer this poll?
Yes, but not yet.
No, I will never vote on such a stupid poll.
I didn't, but I can't resist the lure of the submit button.
Only if cheese.
See Results

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If you want to see the article that contained the first list I used, click here. Warning! Clicking that link may make you a moron!

Yeah, it's that time of year again. The time of year where we have to turn the page on our calendars and break the habit of saying "July" when we tell someone what day it is. Not that I ever tell anyone what day it is— not truthfully anyway.

But the good thing about this time of year, for all of you, at least, is that you get a free report on what pointless holidays are coming up during the next 31 days. It won't always be free though. As soon as I figure out how to charge people for reading my blog, I'm going to take everything you've got plus a ten percent commission. Don't ask me how I'm going to charge a commission after taking everything you've got; I haven't worked out all the details yet.

But for now, you can just sit back and relax while you read this entry at no cost to you (although your insurance company will be getting a large bill for this).

Stupid Holidays in August:

Day	Holiday	The Other Column
2	National Ice Cream Sandwich Day	Comemorating the day someone realized that Ice Cream just wasn't portable enough.
3	National Watermelon Day	For those of you who need a reason to eat Watermelon.
5	Work Like a Dog Day	Workplace efficiency increases on this day among all workers except blondes, whose efficiency decreases because they try to work on all fours.
6	Wiggle Your Toes Day	Invented by paramedics when one of their patients asked "Why?".
7	National Lighthouse Day	Lighthouse operators all take this day off. As a result, ship captains are terrified of Lighthouse Day.
8	Sneak Some Zucchini onto Your Neighbor's Porch Day	Really? Zucchini? We dedicated an entire day to sneaking things onto your neighbors porch and the best thing we can come up with is zucchini!?!
10	Lazy Day	That's not until the tenth! Then what have I been celebrating all day?!?
11	Presidential Joke Day	In honor of the fact that our president is a joke.
13	Left Hander's Day	In the spirit of Left Hander's Day, I typed this with my left hand only. Then I realized that it wasn't the 13th yet and I'm not left handed.
16	National Tell a Joke Day	Q: What do you do if you run over a lawyer? A: Make another notch on your steering wheel. — More Lawyer Jokes
18	Bad Poetry Day	Roses are Red, Violets are Blue, this poem sucks, AND SO DO YOU! (Disclaimer: If you read my blog on a regular basis, this poem doesn't apply to you.)
19	Aviation Day	This is an ancient holiday, dating all the way back to when people could still afford to fly.
22	Be an Angel Day	Not literally; the founders of this holiday are not liable for any fatalities.
23	Ride the Wind Day	This holiday probably shouldn't have been planned farther in advance than the weather forecast.
27	Just Because Day	Why does this holiday exist? You tell me.
28	Race Your Mouse Day	Great. Now I have to buy a mouse that I'm only going to use once.
29	More Herbs, Less Salt Day	I'll be sure to feed my new mouse more herbs and less salt; it'll probably be faster that way.
30	Toasted Marshmallow Day	This is an educational holiday, designed to teach people not to put marshmallows in the toaster.

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If you really did put a marshmallow in the toaster, then you are a moron.

Have you ever wanted to own land in all 50 states? Of course you have! And now, thanks to the miracle of the internet, you can for as little as $20. Just go to OwnAPieceOfAmerica.com and stake your claim. There's one catch though— you only get one square inch of land in each state. So you can't actually build a house on your property, or ever go capming there, but at least you get to brag about owning land in all 50 states to everyone who's stupid enough not to ask how much.

Speaking of my psychic powers (by the way, I have psychic powers and you were speaking of them), I psychically read your mind and found out what you were wondering: Did I take advantage of this offer? Well no, I didn't; I'm not going to pay for land I can't use. I did, however, take advantage of another offer from the same website. If you don't want to pay for land in all 50 states, you can get a single square inch of land in just one state absolutely free. Why would anyone give out free land, you ask? Because they, like the Universal Life Church Monastery, understand that if you give something out for free that no one in their right mind would give out for free, you can then sell certificates to all your customers so their friends will believe them.

It's an odd business model, but I now own a square inch of land because of it. Where, you ask? In the sunny, beach-filled, vacation hotspot that is . . . North Dakota! Ha ha, just kidding. The square inch of land I own is in Florida. More specifically, it's in Okaloosa County, Florida, way off in the panhandle where no one will ever be able to find it, even if they had a reason to. I did get directions to my square inch of property from OwnAPieceOfAmerica.com though, so maybe someday I'll try to find it. Who knows, maybe someday I'll go on vacation to— I mean, near my property.

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If you are the General Manager of an NFL team, then why haven't you traded for Brett Farve yet with the intention of immediately trading him to the Vikings, you moron?!?

Once a year, people get together to hang up streamers and colorful lights, bake billion-course dinners, and give each other gifts. But for some people, once a year just isn't enough. So a group of morons got together and decided to have a sort of half-Christmas halfway between real Christmases. I call them a group of morons because they decided to put this holiday on July 25th, despite the fact that June 25th is the real halfway point between one Christmas and the next.

Regardless of when it is, though, it's nice to have an opportunity to celebrate an extra Christmas every year— aside from the fact that you have to decorate your entire house again for an occasion that only a fraction as many people celebrate. I mean, is it really worth all the trouble for something that's just going to make your neighbors think you're a weirdo? (which you are.) I think one Christmas is enough for me.

Have fun celebrating Christmas in July today! I'll be at home relaxing and writing in my blog about how weird you are!

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If you are the moron that decided what day Christmas in July should be, then you are a moron.