Eavesdropping has existed for quite a while, but it was recently brought to a new low by someone in Germany, who will remain anonymous (because I don't know their name). This anonymous German actually had the nerve to spy on the CEO of Porsche™. Fortunately no Porsches were damaged, but the company will still be filing criminal charges against the spy, which would be a lot easier if anyone knew who it was.

The Anonymous German pulled off this horrendously disturbing crime by sneaking a baby-monitoring microphone into the CEO's office and hiding it behind a sofa, which raises two questions:

1. Why would anyone use a baby-monitoring system to spy on a rich person instead of just stealing some of their money and using it to buy a more expensive two-way radio, and

2. What was the CEO of Porsche™ doing behind his sofa when he found the microphone?

What must have happened is, an employee of a liquor store that's right next to a baby supply store bought a baby-monitoring system and some German Beer (they have a lot in Germany) and used the beer to bribe their way into the CEO's office, where they planted the microphone piece of the baby-monitoring set behind the sofa. Then the CEO of Porsche™ got drunk, passed out, and woke up the next morning on the floor with his head up against the wall next to the sofa, in plain view of the microphone. Then he called the cops, who finished off the German Beer before coming to the logical conclusion that he had been the victim of an international conspiracy, which they are probably still trying to overthrow right now.

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If you let a hungover German business executive catch you spying on him, then you are a moron.

During lunch today, I was on the internet playing a tower defense game called Random Defense. For those of you not familiar with tower defense games, here's a basic rundown: you have a tower, and you defend it. (I told you it was a basic rundown.)

In this particular tower defense game, there are 51 different sets of invaders that you have to defend your tower from. Most of them are incomprehensible shapes (I swear the first set is a bunch of small plates with blobs of chocolate on them), but a few of them actually look like something. I think they're supposed to be scary, but I couldn't tell due to the fact that I was hiding from them most of the time.

A few levels into the game, after I beat one set of lame somethings, all of a sudden a huge line of tiny people in suits came streaming onto the screen at a speed of approximately way too fast. It took me a while, but eventually I figured out who they were; they were all TELEMARKETERS! My missile turrets started picking them off pretty fast, but they just kept coming. I had two missile turrets and a Big Gun Tower, but the telemarketers were still advancing down the path toward my tower. I had to take action fast; there was only one thing I could do; I asked to be put on the do-not-call list!

I really just upgraded my missile turrets, but it was about as effective as being put on the do-not-call list; It solved the problem as slow as it could, laughing at me the whole time. The telemarketers were being destroyed in groups now, faster than ever, and yet they just kept coming. There must have been a billion of them, which is almost as many as there are real telemarketers. My upgraded missile turrets and Big Gun Tower eventually managed to get rid of them all, but not before I had bought a new vacuum cleaner and changed my internet service provider. The internet service is a bit more expensive than what I had been using, but I'm going to be saving money in the long r— hang on, the phone is ringing.

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If you are happy with your current internet provider, then I'm sure a telemarketer would be happy to explain to you why that makes you a moron.

News alert! Multiple sources are now reporting that Canadian scientists have recently developed a long-awaited cure for dehydration. This new substance, which scientists refer to as H₂0, has the remarkable capability to relieve people of hydrational deficiencies they may have contracted, however, that isn't all it can do; representatives from the Canadian Science Administration say it can also be used as a preventative medication.

"Most medications will either cure or prevent a medical complication," said CSA research director Patrick Wells, "but rarely will you find a single substance which can do both."

CSA scientist Karen Swartzbaugh recomends that healthy adults drink approximately eight glasses of H₂0 per day, which, she says, can reduce your risk of dehydrating by nearly 97%. H₂0 is expected to hit store shelves as soon as someone realizes they can get rich by selling something that comes through a tap in your kitchen.

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If you thought this was an actual news alert, then you need to discover CNN before you become even more of a moron.

Experts argue over what it is that separates humans from lesser species (shouldn't it be specieses?) but I think it's a combination of different factors. One of those factors would be the ability to speak. Without speech it would be impossible to have the following conversation:

BURGER-SHAPED MACHINE: Welcome to Burger King™, may I take your order?
CUSTOMER: Yeah, I'll have a large basket of fries please.
MACHINE: Would you like some fries with that?
CUSTOMER: That's what I just ordered!
MACHINE: My mistake. Would you like a shake with that?
CUSTOMER: Sure, I'll have a chocolate one.
MACHINE: So that's a large basket of fries and a chocolate shake?
CUSTOMER: Yes.
MACHINE: Would you like some fries with that?

Obviously it would take a highly evolved species to have such an intelligent conversation. If monkeys tried this, they would still be wondering how to use the milk shake machine. But speech isn't the only sign of our superior evolvement. Another one is the human race's tendency to tell other people when we discover something cool. This could be considered bragging, but I prefer the term "spreading information and pointing out that you didn't know it already". To save space, let's just call it "giving advice".

Here is some advice from me, although there are rumors it might be a bit unreliable.

1. Disregard the line that said this advice was "a bit unreliable".
2. Never order fries until AFTER the burger-shaped machine asks you if you want them. This could result in millions of years of evolution being erased on the spot.
3. Don't give your social security number to an African Prince who needs to transfer $20 million into your bank account for a while . . . unless you get to keep 50%.
4. Never obey the 4th item on any advice list.
5. The saying "a penny saved is a penny earned" doesn't apply to pennies gotten on credit. Those pennies are earned by the rich executives at the credit firms who got rich by never buying anything on credit.
6. It's nice to be important, but it's more important to promote my blog.
7. Read the next line of this list. It may help cure cancer.
8. Do not read the previous line of this list. It may cause cancer.
9. Never listen to advice from a blog with "moron" in the title.
10. Do not, under any circumstances, click on this link. It may cause cancer.

Clearly, advice such as this is the reason humans are superior to monkeys. (No offense to monkeys.) By heeding this advice, you contribute to the progress of the human race. Please help the cause by going to Burger King™ and ordering a burger; just make sure you wait for the burger-shaped machine to ask you if you want fries.

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If you are the Burger King™ employee who operates the burger-shaped machine, then no I don't want fries with that you moron!

I've finally found a good use for lawyers. According to this article, they can give cops traffic tickets. Technically, anyone can do this, but it would take a lawyer to know that it's even legal.

Police officer Chad Stensgaard apparently didn't know it was legal, or else he might not have parked illegally in front of lawyer Eric Bryant. On the other hand, maybe he didn't know that Eric Bryant was a lawyer, or maybe he couldn't see him through the restaurant window. My guess is he was looking for an excuse to challenge Eric to a game of Cops vs. Lawyers ultimate lacross. Unfortunately for Chad, Eric doesn't play ultimate lacross. He plays "Pin the Ticket on the Cop Car". Chad now faces up to $540 in fines, and Eric now faces up to three days in the hospital recovering from excessive laughing.

Before you go looking for a pad of civilian tickets, I should probably tell you that they don't actually exist. I made them up because saying that a lawyer filed a legal complaint against a cop wouldn't have been very interesting. It wouldn't even have really been news, considering that everyone complains about cops and lawyers complain about everything.

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If you play ultimate lacross, then you are a moron.