In my U.S. History class yesterday, we discussed the
Salem witch trials. More specifically, we argued over some theories as to why they took place. I will get to the theories in a minute, but first here's some background information.
The story of the Salem witch trials begins in 1692 (the year
Magellan sailed the ocean blue) when two girls in Salem, Massachusetts began acting weird. (By "wierd" I mean stoned out of their minds.) Soon other girls in the area started acting weird too and all of them blamed the same person; a slave named
Tituba. Tituba was beaten by her master (the father of one of the girls) until she confessed to having used Black Magic to harm the girls. This sparked a wave of accusations of witchcraft that would last until the next calendar year and lead to the executions of roughly 50 people.
But what was it that caused the girls to have fits in the first place? That's what the aforementioned theories are for, which I will get to now. There were five theories presented:
Jealousy
One of the theories was that the afflicted girls were simply having routine epileptic fits (okay, maybe not routine) and it was their parents who claimed it was witchcraft. Why would their parents do this? According to the theory, they were jealous of the rich people who lived on the other side of town, so they decided to accuse them of witchcraft and have them all executed. But if this were the case, why would they have accused a slave first? There are two possible explanations (known to scientists as "sub-theories"). One is that Tituba was used as a decoy so the rich people wouldn't figure out the scam. The other is that this whole theory is completely false. I chose the second sub-theory, which is why I'm going to move on to the next theory now.
Gossip
The second theory is that it was all a practical joke by the so-called "afflicted" girls. This so-called "theory" says that the girls just decided to start spreading so-called "rumors" about Tituba for so-called "fun" and it got a bit out of so-called "hand". Then once people started being executed, the girls were too scared to admit that they had made the whole thing up. It's an interesting theory, that a prank by a couple ten-year-old girls could be responsible for an event that has entire sections devoted to it in history books. But let's not forget that there are still three theories to go, and even though at least two of them are wrong, they are still valuable theories that deserve their own sections just as much as this one did.
Ministers
Yes, ministers are one of the theories as to why the Salem witch trials took place. This theory's angle is that the ministers of late 1600s Massachusetts realized they were losing power over the people and decided to do something about it. Those ministers were a sharp bunch who understood what their jobs were; to offer the people a sense of security during hard times. They also realized that meant their job security depended on times being hard. Unfortunately, things were going quite well for the colonists in Massachusetts, so the ministers had no choice but to scam the people. This theory is supported by the fact that one of the first two girls to become so-called "afflicted" was the daughter of a reverend, and the other was his so-called "niece". It would have been easy for him and a few of his reverend buddies to convince the girls to pretend to be the victims of witchcraft so the people would get scared and turn to the church. Or maybe this is what happened . . .
There Were Real Witches in Salem
The fourth theory (not in order of how well accepted they are) is that the people accused of witchcraft really were witches. Before you discard this theory as ridiculous, you should know that Tituba might or might not have been from the Caribbean, where Voodoo is practiced on a regular basis. Come to think of it, you probably should discard this theory as ridiculous. Which leaves only . . .
Drugs
Back in colonial days, there were frequent shortages of illegal drugs. This was both because they had no drugs and because they had no drug laws. After all, what do you need drug laws for when there are no drugs? But on that fateful day in 1692 (I have no idea which day it actually was) the colonists ate rye bread that was contaminated with ergot poisoning, the main derivative of LSD. You see, when I said the girls were acting stoned out of their minds (see background information) I was being totally serious, which is the first known instance of something intended seriously on my blog. This theory says that all the colonists ate this contaminated bread, but because there were only traces of ergot poisoning in it as opposed to LSD itself, it didn't have a significant affect on most colonists. In fact, young girls would have been more likely than anyone to suffer from LSD-like effects. (Except for people with immune system defects, but those people didn't have a very high survival rate in colonial times.) So by far the most likely cause of the Salem witch trials was drugs.
The moral of the story (not that I ever listen to those) is that when a bum on the street says they will work for food, they absolutely ARE going to use it to get high.
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If you don't think it's funny that the Salem witch trials were either caused by drugs, witches, ministers, jealous parents, or a couple ten-year-old girls playing a practical joke, then you are a moron.
